January 23, 2011

On Motherhood

Amelia is over a year old now.  I've been a Mom for over a year.  Seems a short time and a long time at the same time.  I'm sure that those grandmothers and great-grandmothers out there will laugh at my observation that it seems like a long time.  Nonetheless, I feel like a year is a sufficient amount of time to have a few observations on the subject.  Most of my mom observations have a significant emotional element, and so I don't know if I'll be able to adequately put them into words, but here goes.

It seems to me that there really two levels of Mommyness.  There's a surface level, and a much deeper level.  The surface level is the level everyone can see.  It's

• the occasional dark circles under your eyes that means you were up multiple times last night;
• constantly juggling diaper bags, bottles, wipes and little toys that jingle or rattle;
• the ever-present snot stain on your shoulder; and
• having a nose that is always on alert for the unpleasant undercurrent of poopy diaper.

Then there is the deeper level -- the part of being a Mommy that no one can really see, but that marks the real change in who you have become.  It's

• when your nightmares switch from being about bad things happening to you, to bad things happening to your kids;
• sitting at your desk in the middle of the afternoon and suddenly having a physical need to see a little brown-eyed, two-tooth grin;
• knowing that you're going to have this same feeling every day for years and years to comes;
• a feeling of utter helplessness when your baby is sick, but can't tell you what is the matter;
• rocking in a dark room at bed time, feeling a fuzzy head pressed to your chest, soft, steady breathing and not really wanting to ever put her down;
• wondering about the person she will grow into; and
• wondering if my Mom and her mom and her mom wondered the same;
• not really giving a damn about hobbies or pastimes that used to mean a lot, if the tradeoff is time or energy available to Amelia.

There's a lot more that I could say, without really saying a lot more.  The past year has been a wonderful and amazing transition, and I'm sure there is still a lot of room for change and improvement.   I'm definitely not the same person that I was, and I'm pretty okay with that.  There were many years of my life when I didn't think children would be possible for me.  I always knew that I enjoyed kids, but never realized what a difference it can make when the child in question is your own.  I'll admit, I'm both excited and little scared about having two of them so close together.  I figure I will manage though, as so many moms have done before me (and with a lot of help from Bill).  Now . . . .I've gotta go chase Miss Brown Eyes . . . .