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Bill's Baby Blog

Week 32

 
Hello everyone,

This is the first baby blog written by the baby-daddy. Steph has been encouraging me to do this for a while. My semester is finally over, so I have no excuses.

We finished baby classes on Monday, and yesterday we saw the doctor again. The big question right now is “To C-section or no to C-section.” Due to some health concerns, Steph’s likelihood of having a C-section is higher than average. The attitude toward C-section in baby classes is something I find strange. When one wants to refer to anything that increases the likelihood of having a C-section, one speaks of “increased risk of C-section,” the same way one might say that spending lots of time in the sun increases your risk of skin cancer, or diabetes increases your risk of glaucoma, or smoking increases your risk of emphysema.

As a dude, I just don’t get it.

I understand that there are some reasons why squeezing that little alien out of your Va-jay-jay is considered optimal; it’s easier to start breastfeeding, it takes longer to recover from a cesarean, yada yada yada. But if I had a choice of pushing a coconut out of my butthole or having it removed in surgery, I choose B.  Especially after all those videos they show. I mean, they show these women enduring an insufferable hell, and then after it’s over they talk about the “risk” of having a C-section, and avoiding part or all of that insufferable hell.

I want more risk of this nature. I’ve been doing a lot of risky things lately. Studies show that earning a PhD greatly increases the risk of being gainfully employed. I’m worried that the new fence that I built on my rental property will increase the risk of selling my house for a sizable profit. In some ways, I have been partaking in less risky behavior. This semester, I have not exercised as much as I usually do, thus decreasing my risk of living long and avoiding heart disease.

I am definitely getting excited about this baby. I spend a lot of time thinking about how young she is, and what her life will be like. Chances are good that she will live to see the twenty second century. If Obama is elected again, when she’s in first grade she’ll ask me if we’ll ever have a white president. She will probably barely know of a newspaper, or a telephone that isn’t also a camera and doesn’t fit in her pocket. She may live to see humankind solve global warming, or during her retirement, she and her husband may vacation on the Adelie coast.

2010. Amelia Rose Kalahurka will be born in 2010. That’s some futuristic shit right there. I am a little worried that she’s going to be born a robot. I haven’t the first clue about how to raise a robot.

Steph and I have been brainstorming family traditions. I proposed that we have a regular schedule of ethnic/specialty dinners, and then Steph came up with the fabulous idea of wearing hats, accordingly. On Mexican food night, we could all wear sombreros, and on Indian food night we could wear turbans, and on French night we could wear berets, and on Chinese night we could wear Chinese straw hats, and on Texan night we could wear cowboy hats, and on vegetarian night we could wear Birkenstocks and dress like stinky hippies, because vegetarians don’t have cool hats.

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P.S. from Steph:  Here is the newest photo of Amelia, taken during our doctor visit last Thursday.  She was hiding behind some stuff, so not the greatest shot.  Still, you can't argue that she's an adorable fetus.


 

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