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April 3, 2011

So much to lose . . .

Bill told me a story once.  A short time after he moved from Kansas City to attend college in California, his Mom had a dream that something bad happened to him.  Apparently, she then called him repeatedly, in a bit of a panic, needing to hear him and know that he was okay.  When Bill first told me this story about his Mom's reaction to her dream, I thought that it sounded like a prettty crazy reaction.  It was just a dream, after all.   But now I'm not so sure.

Another story.  Years back, my brother Stephen and his wife, Marta, were thinking about buying a new house.  One of the properties that they considered was on a lake.  The story goes that Mart objected to the purchase out of a worry that "someone might boat up and steal the children."  Again --her reaction sounded a little crazy to me at the time.  And again, I now believe I may have judged prematurely.

I find that I do a lot of thinking these days.  Definitely a lot more thinking than I did before I had Amelia and Billy on the way.  Perhaps its because someone insists on doing somersaults in my tummy every night from around 3am to around 6am.  And there's not much to do between 3am and 6am except think . . . . 

During at least a portion of these hours, Amelia is usually sleeping soundly beside me.  Perhaps because she's so close and it's so quiet . . . . most of my thinking is about her and Billy and how much my life has changed in these past five years since I met my Bill.  Mostly, I think about how much better my life is -- how that now I can truly say that I know real happiness.   It's also a little scary though, because whenever you think about how good things are, you ulitmately wonder if you have reached that peak where the only direction left to go is down?  And this ineviably leads to thoughts of how much more I now have to lose. 

Before Bill and Amelia, my life was primarly about me.  Now, I find that I am extremely emotionally invested in the two of them.  And with this background, I believe that I possibly understand why a mom's reaction may occasionally seem a little crazy to a non-mom.  I feel bad that I may have misjudged, and will try to remember this when someday Amelia says to me, "Aw Mom!  That's nuts!!  Everything is going got be just fine."

I think I already posted this once early in my pregnancy with Amelia, but it is a quote that really hits home.  When I start feeling that I'm going a bit looney (imagining all of the bad things that could happen to Amelia, Billy or my Bill), this quote makes me feel better.   It reminds me that I made the decision to have children, and to experience everything that comes with that -- good or bad.  It also reminds me that I'm not the only person who has ever felt this way:

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous.  It is also to decide to forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."
--Elizabeth Stone

P.S.  to Mom Kalahurka and Marta -- Sorry for ever thinking you were a touch overreactionary -- turns out you are both just extraordinarly good moms.  You make me feel so much better about all of these new "mommy emotions" that I'm learning to cope with . . . .

Some new photos below.

(Click on the thumbnails below to view a larger version).

 

 

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